Saturday, March 21, 2009

getting back to normal (well as normal as I will ever be)

I think I am finally back to normal. I had a rough week after my little "dying thing". I cant really explain how I felt, I didn't have any thoughts...I was just in the moment and everything felt so off. I always have a million thoughts running through my head and there usually jumbled together with a song I had heard. But I had nothing. I felt very sad and lonely and scared. If any of you have ever seen Final destination where these people somehow cheat death but spend the rest of the movie trying to run to away from death...only to end up all dying in someway or another in the end.....that's kinda what I was expecting. I felt like I made it this far but whats going to get me now. Which with a blood clot still in my lungs and numerous other health issues over my head it didn't seem to unreasonable to think I could die at any moment. All I knew is that I wasn't ready to die and I was very scared to leave my little family.

But I think I'm going to make it :) I'm not 100% yet on feeling all that good but at least I feel like I can actually make it.

Oh how I love my life. Things get hard sometimes but I'm thankful for the hard times...they make the good times so much greater.

I would also like to thank my friends for leaving uplifting messages for me. It's always good to hear that your loved....actually its the best feeling in the world. Thanks

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Here but not really?

Well I have like 3 other blogs saved ready to be posted I was just waiting to find the time to down load some pics off of my camera. But I'm skipping all of that and writing a blog about an experience I had yesterday. I'm really not sure where to go from here or how to move on. I know heavenly father is the key part in getting through this and moving on but I cant seem to get past the situation to even pay for guidance.

Many many people have had things happen in there life's (car accidents, surgeries, health problems etc.) that were life threatening or scary. I have had a few. Yesterday changed my views on what it means to feel like your dying.

I woke up and got ready just like everyday, I had a dentist appointment at 9 and other than seeing my mom on her day off it was to be a pretty uneventful day. The day before I got a call from the hospital saying that I tested positive for mono. I guess it's the thing to get around fillmore these days. I also got tested for a lung infection, and some other things, because I was feeling very short of breath and not very good. So anyways after not doing so good at the dentist and feeling quite alot of pain I just wanted to go to my moms and watch a movie or something. Which I did, also my granny came by and we visited for a bit, around 5ish I was thinking about what to have for dinner and thinking that my day had gone by so quickly when my phone was Doctor telling me that not only had I tested positive for most of the things I had been tested on that because of the mono my spleen and liver were swollen and actually caused a blood clot to go into my lungs. OKEY?...??? so where do we go from there (blood clots of any sort sound bad but in your lungs sounds even worse) he asked if I could possibly be taken up to Utah Valley and have a cat scan done on my lungs to see how bad things were. I sayed yes and he sayed he would get back to me. Then his nurse called back and very calmly and very exactly sayed "crystal can you leave RIGHT now?" and then gave me the run down on what I needed to do (paperwork). She then sayed "your leaving RIGHT now RIGHT??" which made a little nervous. Luckily my mom was home and took me up north. Everything was fine and check in was easy. I began the cat scan with an IV and also some dye stuff which they would run through my veins at certain inter volts to see things better. I was told that eveytime the dye is released I was feel very hot and have bad taste in my mouth.

Tests started and the first dye went through and the thing was wooshing around me, I was feeling a little sick to my tummy but wanted to stay still so they could get a good reading. Then the next shot went through...everything was fine just very hot and then I needed to itch my nose SO bad...the machine stopped and I was so happy I could itch my nose again. I began to itch my nose and blood was all over the nurse came in and ask if I was itchy, I sayed yes and began to sneeze she ran out and yelled for help....then everything was not fine. I could no longer breath my tongue was swollen and the my chest was on fire....I couldn't speak anymore and everything got slow and then black. I remember hearing people all over talking to me and someone calling the ER downstairs with a women (me ) who was 26 weeks and not responsive. I then awoke to a pain on my chest where a nurse was rubbing they had given me something to stop the reaction and I was slowly coming down from it. I still couldn't breath well and my tongue and chest were on fire. after awhile I was feeling quite bad but ould breath but couldn't stop coughing and shaking. I was fine....

but Im NOT fine now. I was gone...and had they not had what they needed I might have stayed gone. I never saw a white life didn't flash before my eyes....but it hit me that this was it...and what a shame....I had so much to see and do. Once again I'm safe and I'm here to do the things I need to, but I cant stop feeling so weird. Everything is not clicking with me and maybe I just need some time to get my head straight. They say your life can change in a blink of an eye...and I never doubted just seems like such a stupid saying right now...I just feel like saying "no you don't understand!" coming home I just kept thinking of my mom listening to the radio and having to drive all the way home knowing that her daughter died, or when Eben called to tell me goodnight...what if he couldn't call me, what if that text I just got went to my phone that I wasn't there to use anymore. How do you tell someone's family that someone they cared about just died.

I know I should just be grateful and happy I'm here. And maybe it wasn't that big of a deal and I especially know that people have had to go through worse things. But I just cant stop thinking about it.....