Friday, February 3, 2012
Just can't do it by myself!
I just can't decide which picture to hang on my wall. I love them all, so maybe everyone will help me out and tell me which one you like, 1 2 or 3? Thanks!
Monday, January 30, 2012
those days
Do you ever have those days when you just have so much love for your kids that it takes your breath away just looking at them? I am in that moment right now.
Doing my nightly check to see that every child is still tucked in and kissed goodnight again. Each kiss I gave filled my heart more and more and by the end of my nightly check I was in tears over how much I love all this sweet little kids. How did I get so lucky? I want to stay in this moment forever. I love them so much...my heart is over flowing with love mush :)
Doing my nightly check to see that every child is still tucked in and kissed goodnight again. Each kiss I gave filled my heart more and more and by the end of my nightly check I was in tears over how much I love all this sweet little kids. How did I get so lucky? I want to stay in this moment forever. I love them so much...my heart is over flowing with love mush :)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
precious baby
Eblynn Quincy Leatham
A little back ground before reading about the birth.
*I always go about 42 weeks in which time I have to be started by my midwife. I have horrible contractions through out my last trimester and being 5-6 cm is nothing new and usually happens during the whole last month. I also am usually trying anything and everything to get my babies out way before 40 weeks. I am miserable(to say the least) the whole last trimester.
*Eben started remodeling a second house (against my wishes) and spent most of my pregnancy working on the second house while our own house(also a fixer upper) stayed the same. By October we both decided that we would live in or second home while we fixed p our own home. The plan was to get into the second house BEFORE the baby came.
After the baby was turned by my midwife I began to feel "pregnant", up until that point I felt kind of like I had a huge separate part to my body, not alot to complain about and NOTHING like my other pregnancies. I also started to get suddle nudges from my midwife and doctor about possibly getting the ball rolling and getting little girl out. I on the other hand felt like I had along road ahead of me, I was so used to being miserable in my other pregnancies that I knew things had to get alot worse before the baby would come out, PLUS I needed my new house. If we were going to be pouring money into a nice new home I wanted to enjoy it for goodness sakes, I didn't want to be moving right after having a baby either. So when I started to have lots of hard contractions all the time I chalked it up to the start of the "bad".
Our dreams of getting into our home kept finding stupid snags and I just kept pretending like I wasn't having a baby. Eben and I worked very hard night and day to make the house come together. A week before the baby came we made a run to home depot to finish up some shopping for the house, on the way home I stopped for an appointment with my midwife. After checking me, she smiled and sayed "when you get home....walk, then call me" I was shocked. My midwife is A++ in my book, she knows me, knows my body and when she sayed this I knew she knew her stuff. I was scared and not ready to give up the fight for a new house to welcome our baby. In my mind I knew I could hold things off, I wouldn't take a walk and I would stay in bed and rest. She always has to start me anyways so if I told her I was fine then she wouldn't start me. I agreed to her terms but in my head I already knew I wasn't going to do what she asked of me. The ride home was HORRIBLE. I started to have contractions so strong that we had to stop, I tried to act like they were no big deal because I didn't want Eben to call my midwife. As soon as we got home I jumped into a hot tub and told myself over and over that I wasn't having a baby. Things calmed down. I didn't sleep much. And come to find out later Eben really truly believed I was having the baby that night, he said I only look like that when I am ready to pop a baby out (and here I thought I was holding myself together better). I didn't deliver that night. The next day we painted and caulked into the night, all while I pretended not to be in labor. The pain was bad and the up and down of painting didn't help much. The next day my midwife showed up, out of the blue...she was coming to start me lol. Now please understand that in previous pregnancies I am begging her to start me and even then I still end up going 42 weeks and at this point I still had a week to go to hit my medical due date, not to mention the fact that I had 2 weeks after that to hit my 42 week mark. Why the rush? I thought, so I laughed it off and told her I was fine (I WAS GOING TO HAVE THE BABY IN OUR NEW HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT!) And she smiled and gave me that "I know what your doing look" and then she dropped another bomb shell....she left all of her birthing supplies (this never has happened) she smirked and sayed "just in case".
That night I panicked, the carpet would be in the next morning and we could get most of the big furniture moved in and the small stuff Friday morning and then I could have Friday night to rest and we would have the baby on Saturday. But no matter what I did in my head I knew the baby would be here sooner. I woke up and started to get everything ready to be moved. By now my contractions were steady and I felt very ready...in fact I felt like I had to hold her in. Then the news came. The carpet installers were idiots and wouldn't put our carpet in because we only had space heaters and not a furnace. I spent the whole day not just crying but bawling. My mom even got on her angry eyes on and did everything she could to get my carpet put in. I grieved that whole day.
Friday morning I woke up with plans. There was no chance for us to get into our house...it was time to prepare for baby. I unpacked all morning while Eben moved our bedroom to the girls room so I didn't have to go up and down stairs anymore. I was in alot of pain but didn't let on to anyone. Around 4 my mom came by to check on me. She visited for a bit and I tried to hold back the fact that my contractions were hitting pretty hard. By 4:30 she had left and I broke down....things were serious now. I started the tub and yelled for Eben (who up to this point had no idea I was in labor) to get the big birthing tub blown up and get set up for the birth(good thing my midwife left me with all of the goods). He checked on me and asked if I was in labor. I sayed yes but I knew I had a long road ahead of me, he asked if I wanted him to call my midwife but I wanted to get on top of the pain before she came and since I knew she had to get me past 6 cm I wasn't worried about delivering, I was just worried about staying on top of the pain.
After the tub filled up with water Eben came and sat by me while I labored in the tub. I felt like I needed to be alone, I didn't want him to see me so weak. I kept asking him to do this and that to get him out of the bathroom. He came to tell me that I should get in the bigger tub where there was more water. I agreed, as I got up I realized that this was going to be a hard and LONG labor. I was scared to call my midwife. I had that moment when I thought "what the hell am I doing? Am I crazy? I need drugs! and I need them NOW! Luckily I was alone, if Eben was there at that moment I would have had him rush me to the hospital. In between my contraction I ran to my bedroom where the birth tub was waiting for me. The hot water felt amazing and the tub was so different from the ones I had used in the past...so sturdy, so much room and so comfortable. I knew this is where I wanted to be :) I called for Eben and told him that he needed to call my midwife and I needed my ipod. I found a workout music station on Pandora and I began to feel calm. The constant beat helped me so much. I didn't care to much for the music but the beat helped alot.
My body was in full birth mode. But I still had in the back of my mind that I needed to get "started" and that I had a long road ahead of me. I asked Eben to check me to see where I was as far as cm's. He started to check me when his eyes got HUGE! He said the head IS RIGHT THERE! I didn't believe him, I told him I still had along ways to go. His eyes still huge sayed NO I can feel your water sack and I feel the baby's head! I still had doubts, and just tried to find the beat in the music again. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt the baby move down and the pain was bad. At that point I yelled out "DON'T TOUCH ME AND DON'T TALK TO ME" I began to bare down and then realized I didn't have a MIDWIFE! So I stopped and just tried to stay with the beat. Soon enough I opened my eyes to my sweet midwife. Eben had told her that I didn't want to be touched or talked to (something I had already told her would help me alot...so she was prepared). I had no idea how long she had been there...I was relieved she had made it.
I felt safe, happy, and ready for what I needed to do. I took out my ear buds and my midwife told me that she needed to check me and the baby...so let me know when your ready (heaven help me, she is the best. Her saying "when your ready" helped me SO much) so I stuck my ear buds in and said give me a minute, she nodded and I closed my eyes. After a few contractions had passed I yelled out "GO" and she did, and she was in and out in a few seconds, then another contraction hit. After the contraction I opened my eyes and she said "push". WHAT?! I was already ready to push? I don't have babies on my own...whats going on? I closed my eyes again and listened to the beat and sayed give me a minute. Then I pushed...and pushed...and pushed, then I felt a hand on my head and heard Eben say DON'T TOUCH HER (lol) I had him that scared. It actually felt nice but I wasn't in a talking mood. That soft touch was from my mother-in-law who is also a midwife. Then I realized that I had told a few close people that they could come to the birth. So I told Eben to call people. He started to and then all the sudden the baby moved way down and I felt like she was about to come out, he ditched the phone calling. Little did I know I had more pushing to do. He did manage to call my little sister, who rushed over and got to see the baby being born.
I kept pushing and the pain was so bad, I kept thinking that I usually don't have this much pain unless the baby is moving out, but I just kept pushing with no baby coming out. Finally I heard everyone telling me to stop pushing, the cord was around the baby's neck, as soon as that was taken care, I pushed again...and again...and AGAIN! FINALLY she was out! Eben had ended up delivering her and setting her on my chest. Instantly I had so much love for her that I didn't know what to do or how to handle my emotions and I got scared. I can't even explain how scared I was. I have no idea what I was scared of or why I was so scared. My midwife later told me that its very common for women that have had trauma in their younger life to have this kind of reaction to delivering. I was so consumed by being scared....that's all I kept sayed was "I'm scared" and "help me". I tried to calm myself down and got out of the birthing tub and went to the shower. I tried to be OK, and my mother-in-law even stayed in the bathroom with me. I was done with my shower and tried to act normal. I came out to a crowd of people (which I loved) all checking out the baby, I felt better...then it hit again, I went back to the bathroom for a bit of a meltdown. Then I felt better.
Baby Quincy was here and she held the kids hearts in her hand. They just looked at her and touched her and melted. I got into bed and watched as everyone took turns holding her and then my mother-in-law and midwife did Quincy's check up. Turned out she was a perfect 8lb baby :)
It was an amazing birth. The best so far, I found strength I never I knew I had. I felt so accomplished. I felt like I did something amazing. I suddenly realized that I wasn't this ball of troubles and that I can have babies by myself and I can handle it. This brought out emotions that I have never felt before.
a few interesting things about the birth:
* Quincy was OVERDONE! lol I guess in order for me to go into labor by myself I am more of a 43-45 weeker...yes you heard me, Quincy was closer to 45 weeks, and although I had never heard of this, researching online I have found that there are others out there that go this far with every pregnancy. I had my official due date calculated at 20 weeks and that's what we went by. The baby wasn't big, but every time I was measured I was always almost 3 or 4 weeks bigger. She peeled for more than a week and she was way wrinkly. There is no way of telling how many weeks I actually did carry her but from what they can tell she was well over 40 weeks.
*After my post partum check up the next day my midwife told me a little secret. While I was having my meltdown in the bathroom she called a friend of ours who processes emotion. She told her I was scared and our friend began to process these emotions for me, now I don't know much about what she does or how it works, but whatever she did it helped. I really do recall being in the bathroom and then having this calming feeling. I had no idea she had done this for me but when I found out I was shocked and I felt so much love for both my midwife and my friend.
*I had a bit of an after party after the birth. My friends and my midwife just hung out and we talked and talked and I LOVED it. I needed it. My mom came by that night to and for once she wasn't grumpy or weirded out like she usually is after or while I give birth...such a nice feeling to have her there. My midwife was the true trooper stayed up with me until 4 am when I couldn't open my eyes any longer (truth be known I wish she would have stayed and just talked to me while I had my eyes closed) It is SO comforting to be surrounded by people you love, I love to hear people talk. That's what I needed the most.
The whole thing was amazing, I loved it, I am grateful for a great husband, a wonderful midwife, for my loving mom and mother-in-law , for my cute sister and sister-in-law and for awesome friends. Oh and for my brother-in-law Kord who followed right behind Liza(sister-in-law) who came to the house right after the birth (he is the first brother-in-law to ever come see me and the baby right after the birth)
A little back ground before reading about the birth.
*I always go about 42 weeks in which time I have to be started by my midwife. I have horrible contractions through out my last trimester and being 5-6 cm is nothing new and usually happens during the whole last month. I also am usually trying anything and everything to get my babies out way before 40 weeks. I am miserable(to say the least) the whole last trimester.
*Eben started remodeling a second house (against my wishes) and spent most of my pregnancy working on the second house while our own house(also a fixer upper) stayed the same. By October we both decided that we would live in or second home while we fixed p our own home. The plan was to get into the second house BEFORE the baby came.
After the baby was turned by my midwife I began to feel "pregnant", up until that point I felt kind of like I had a huge separate part to my body, not alot to complain about and NOTHING like my other pregnancies. I also started to get suddle nudges from my midwife and doctor about possibly getting the ball rolling and getting little girl out. I on the other hand felt like I had along road ahead of me, I was so used to being miserable in my other pregnancies that I knew things had to get alot worse before the baby would come out, PLUS I needed my new house. If we were going to be pouring money into a nice new home I wanted to enjoy it for goodness sakes, I didn't want to be moving right after having a baby either. So when I started to have lots of hard contractions all the time I chalked it up to the start of the "bad".
Our dreams of getting into our home kept finding stupid snags and I just kept pretending like I wasn't having a baby. Eben and I worked very hard night and day to make the house come together. A week before the baby came we made a run to home depot to finish up some shopping for the house, on the way home I stopped for an appointment with my midwife. After checking me, she smiled and sayed "when you get home....walk, then call me" I was shocked. My midwife is A++ in my book, she knows me, knows my body and when she sayed this I knew she knew her stuff. I was scared and not ready to give up the fight for a new house to welcome our baby. In my mind I knew I could hold things off, I wouldn't take a walk and I would stay in bed and rest. She always has to start me anyways so if I told her I was fine then she wouldn't start me. I agreed to her terms but in my head I already knew I wasn't going to do what she asked of me. The ride home was HORRIBLE. I started to have contractions so strong that we had to stop, I tried to act like they were no big deal because I didn't want Eben to call my midwife. As soon as we got home I jumped into a hot tub and told myself over and over that I wasn't having a baby. Things calmed down. I didn't sleep much. And come to find out later Eben really truly believed I was having the baby that night, he said I only look like that when I am ready to pop a baby out (and here I thought I was holding myself together better). I didn't deliver that night. The next day we painted and caulked into the night, all while I pretended not to be in labor. The pain was bad and the up and down of painting didn't help much. The next day my midwife showed up, out of the blue...she was coming to start me lol. Now please understand that in previous pregnancies I am begging her to start me and even then I still end up going 42 weeks and at this point I still had a week to go to hit my medical due date, not to mention the fact that I had 2 weeks after that to hit my 42 week mark. Why the rush? I thought, so I laughed it off and told her I was fine (I WAS GOING TO HAVE THE BABY IN OUR NEW HOUSE NO MATTER WHAT!) And she smiled and gave me that "I know what your doing look" and then she dropped another bomb shell....she left all of her birthing supplies (this never has happened) she smirked and sayed "just in case".
That night I panicked, the carpet would be in the next morning and we could get most of the big furniture moved in and the small stuff Friday morning and then I could have Friday night to rest and we would have the baby on Saturday. But no matter what I did in my head I knew the baby would be here sooner. I woke up and started to get everything ready to be moved. By now my contractions were steady and I felt very ready...in fact I felt like I had to hold her in. Then the news came. The carpet installers were idiots and wouldn't put our carpet in because we only had space heaters and not a furnace. I spent the whole day not just crying but bawling. My mom even got on her angry eyes on and did everything she could to get my carpet put in. I grieved that whole day.
Friday morning I woke up with plans. There was no chance for us to get into our house...it was time to prepare for baby. I unpacked all morning while Eben moved our bedroom to the girls room so I didn't have to go up and down stairs anymore. I was in alot of pain but didn't let on to anyone. Around 4 my mom came by to check on me. She visited for a bit and I tried to hold back the fact that my contractions were hitting pretty hard. By 4:30 she had left and I broke down....things were serious now. I started the tub and yelled for Eben (who up to this point had no idea I was in labor) to get the big birthing tub blown up and get set up for the birth(good thing my midwife left me with all of the goods). He checked on me and asked if I was in labor. I sayed yes but I knew I had a long road ahead of me, he asked if I wanted him to call my midwife but I wanted to get on top of the pain before she came and since I knew she had to get me past 6 cm I wasn't worried about delivering, I was just worried about staying on top of the pain.
After the tub filled up with water Eben came and sat by me while I labored in the tub. I felt like I needed to be alone, I didn't want him to see me so weak. I kept asking him to do this and that to get him out of the bathroom. He came to tell me that I should get in the bigger tub where there was more water. I agreed, as I got up I realized that this was going to be a hard and LONG labor. I was scared to call my midwife. I had that moment when I thought "what the hell am I doing? Am I crazy? I need drugs! and I need them NOW! Luckily I was alone, if Eben was there at that moment I would have had him rush me to the hospital. In between my contraction I ran to my bedroom where the birth tub was waiting for me. The hot water felt amazing and the tub was so different from the ones I had used in the past...so sturdy, so much room and so comfortable. I knew this is where I wanted to be :) I called for Eben and told him that he needed to call my midwife and I needed my ipod. I found a workout music station on Pandora and I began to feel calm. The constant beat helped me so much. I didn't care to much for the music but the beat helped alot.
My body was in full birth mode. But I still had in the back of my mind that I needed to get "started" and that I had a long road ahead of me. I asked Eben to check me to see where I was as far as cm's. He started to check me when his eyes got HUGE! He said the head IS RIGHT THERE! I didn't believe him, I told him I still had along ways to go. His eyes still huge sayed NO I can feel your water sack and I feel the baby's head! I still had doubts, and just tried to find the beat in the music again. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I felt the baby move down and the pain was bad. At that point I yelled out "DON'T TOUCH ME AND DON'T TALK TO ME" I began to bare down and then realized I didn't have a MIDWIFE! So I stopped and just tried to stay with the beat. Soon enough I opened my eyes to my sweet midwife. Eben had told her that I didn't want to be touched or talked to (something I had already told her would help me alot...so she was prepared). I had no idea how long she had been there...I was relieved she had made it.
I felt safe, happy, and ready for what I needed to do. I took out my ear buds and my midwife told me that she needed to check me and the baby...so let me know when your ready (heaven help me, she is the best. Her saying "when your ready" helped me SO much) so I stuck my ear buds in and said give me a minute, she nodded and I closed my eyes. After a few contractions had passed I yelled out "GO" and she did, and she was in and out in a few seconds, then another contraction hit. After the contraction I opened my eyes and she said "push". WHAT?! I was already ready to push? I don't have babies on my own...whats going on? I closed my eyes again and listened to the beat and sayed give me a minute. Then I pushed...and pushed...and pushed, then I felt a hand on my head and heard Eben say DON'T TOUCH HER (lol) I had him that scared. It actually felt nice but I wasn't in a talking mood. That soft touch was from my mother-in-law who is also a midwife. Then I realized that I had told a few close people that they could come to the birth. So I told Eben to call people. He started to and then all the sudden the baby moved way down and I felt like she was about to come out, he ditched the phone calling. Little did I know I had more pushing to do. He did manage to call my little sister, who rushed over and got to see the baby being born.
I kept pushing and the pain was so bad, I kept thinking that I usually don't have this much pain unless the baby is moving out, but I just kept pushing with no baby coming out. Finally I heard everyone telling me to stop pushing, the cord was around the baby's neck, as soon as that was taken care, I pushed again...and again...and AGAIN! FINALLY she was out! Eben had ended up delivering her and setting her on my chest. Instantly I had so much love for her that I didn't know what to do or how to handle my emotions and I got scared. I can't even explain how scared I was. I have no idea what I was scared of or why I was so scared. My midwife later told me that its very common for women that have had trauma in their younger life to have this kind of reaction to delivering. I was so consumed by being scared....that's all I kept sayed was "I'm scared" and "help me". I tried to calm myself down and got out of the birthing tub and went to the shower. I tried to be OK, and my mother-in-law even stayed in the bathroom with me. I was done with my shower and tried to act normal. I came out to a crowd of people (which I loved) all checking out the baby, I felt better...then it hit again, I went back to the bathroom for a bit of a meltdown. Then I felt better.
Baby Quincy was here and she held the kids hearts in her hand. They just looked at her and touched her and melted. I got into bed and watched as everyone took turns holding her and then my mother-in-law and midwife did Quincy's check up. Turned out she was a perfect 8lb baby :)
It was an amazing birth. The best so far, I found strength I never I knew I had. I felt so accomplished. I felt like I did something amazing. I suddenly realized that I wasn't this ball of troubles and that I can have babies by myself and I can handle it. This brought out emotions that I have never felt before.
a few interesting things about the birth:
* Quincy was OVERDONE! lol I guess in order for me to go into labor by myself I am more of a 43-45 weeker...yes you heard me, Quincy was closer to 45 weeks, and although I had never heard of this, researching online I have found that there are others out there that go this far with every pregnancy. I had my official due date calculated at 20 weeks and that's what we went by. The baby wasn't big, but every time I was measured I was always almost 3 or 4 weeks bigger. She peeled for more than a week and she was way wrinkly. There is no way of telling how many weeks I actually did carry her but from what they can tell she was well over 40 weeks.
*After my post partum check up the next day my midwife told me a little secret. While I was having my meltdown in the bathroom she called a friend of ours who processes emotion. She told her I was scared and our friend began to process these emotions for me, now I don't know much about what she does or how it works, but whatever she did it helped. I really do recall being in the bathroom and then having this calming feeling. I had no idea she had done this for me but when I found out I was shocked and I felt so much love for both my midwife and my friend.
*I had a bit of an after party after the birth. My friends and my midwife just hung out and we talked and talked and I LOVED it. I needed it. My mom came by that night to and for once she wasn't grumpy or weirded out like she usually is after or while I give birth...such a nice feeling to have her there. My midwife was the true trooper stayed up with me until 4 am when I couldn't open my eyes any longer (truth be known I wish she would have stayed and just talked to me while I had my eyes closed) It is SO comforting to be surrounded by people you love, I love to hear people talk. That's what I needed the most.
The whole thing was amazing, I loved it, I am grateful for a great husband, a wonderful midwife, for my loving mom and mother-in-law , for my cute sister and sister-in-law and for awesome friends. Oh and for my brother-in-law Kord who followed right behind Liza(sister-in-law) who came to the house right after the birth (he is the first brother-in-law to ever come see me and the baby right after the birth)
Monday, January 23, 2012
why not?
So I hate blogging..... :) I feel like I have to post a picture, write an update and actually have something interesting to say too. The last few posts have been just totally off the top of my head needed to write "posts" and looking back I'm actually ok with that, so how come I can't just write about lame-o stuff all the time? Sooooo 2012 is going to be post after post about a whole lot of nothing...just thoughts, happy moments and hopefully a picture or 2. Nothing special just "stuff" I want to write about :) HAPPY 2012 EVERYONE!
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